- mc0171
Chayei Sarah - 5778/2017~ Marry First, Love Later?

What comes first, Love or Marriage? Well, According to Frank Sinatra, it would seem putting marriage first is like driving a horseless carriage. But look at the Torah in our Parasha: âAnd Yitzhak brought her to his mother Sarahâs tent. And (a) he took Rivka to be his wife, and (b) he loved herâŚ. (Genesis 24:67). Apparently, the Torah sees things differently than Olâ Blue eyes! Yitzchak, our Holy Patriarch says: marry first, love later!  Â
But does this make sense? How can Hashem ask us to marry people without loving them? Is that not begging for trouble down the road?
I love it when I find an answer to one Parsha problem from another Parasha problem and I think I did! Here is my offering today:
Earlier in the Parsha, Eliezer, appointed to find a wife for Yitzchak, asks Hashem for help. He says: ⌠âHashem, G-d of my master Avraham, may You so arrange it for me this day that You do kindness with my master Avraham. See, I stand here by the spring of water and the daughters of the townsmen come out to draw. Let it be that the maiden to whom I shall say, âPlease tip over your jug so I may drink,â and who replies, âDrink, and I will even water your camels,â her will You have designated for Your servant, for Yitzchak; and may I know through her that You have done kindness with my masterâ (Bereishis 12-14).
Thus the âtestâ was: Eliezer asks for a drink and the right âcandidateâ would OFFER much more: not only will I get you a drink, I will get water for your camels as well!â Once she makes the offer says Eliezer, he would have all the âproofâ he needed that she was the right Shidduch and match for Yitzchak.  Yet when it came down to reality on the ground, it seems Eliezer wasnât happy with Rivkaâs bare offers. See how the story continues: 24:20⌠âSo she hurried âŚand she drew for all his camelsâŚÂ 24:22: And it was, when the camels had finished drinking, the man took his ringâŚbracelets on her arms⌠â. Â
In other words, he greeted Rivka with the âengagementâ gifts not the moment she âqualifiedâ by making the extraordinarily kind âofferâ, but the moment the kindness was completed âon the ground.
What happened-did Eliezer change his mind? Switch the âdealâ or terms of the âtestâ to make it even harder (wanting to see if Rivka did what she said she would do)? If so, that doesnât match my understanding of the trusty servant of Avraham who himself was reputed (as per our Medrash) to be a man of the highest morals, integrity character -and even Torah knowledge!
But I intentionally kept something out of the discussion. I didnât tell you what actually happened when Eliezer asked Rivka to give him a drink:
Verse 24:17: Eliezer says: âlet me sip a little water from your jugâ
Verse 24:18: Rivka says: âDrink my masterâŚâ
Verse 24:19: âShe finished giving him drink, and she said, âI will also draw (water) for your camels-until they are finished drinkingâ. Â Â
Notice what happened here. Eliezerâs âtestâ or âconditionsâ were that Rivka offer to get drink for the camels. But Rivka didnât follow that script exactly. Rivka went beyond. Going off script-she messed it up! Instead of just making the offer as Eliezer âdirectedâ, a kind enough demonstration, she exuberantly added: âIâll hang around until I make sure every camel had its fullâ. At this point, after hearing such a magnanimous offer, Eliezer saysâ âThis I must see. People are full of grand talk and even grander gestures. But that kind of grandiosity usually leaves me wondering if itâs too good to be true. Greeks bearing gifts⌠this is the land of Laban/Besuel after allâŚâ. And thus it was not until he saw the fulfillment of Rivkaâs âhugeâ campaign promises that he was able to ascertain that indeed, this is a woman who truly stands behind every word she says⌠has the actions that reveal the true depth of her character and the integrity of her lofty expressions.
Back to Sinatra. Is it âLove and Marriageâ or âMarriage-then loveâ? Well, if the Eliezer story teaches us anything, more than the deepest expressions of love, adoration and commitment, are the day-in-day-out actions between people. Every love affair comes with the grandest of professions, statements of undying love wrapped up in what often is us at our most eloquent. Says the Torah, when you hear people talk like thatâŚbeware. Make sure you SEE the love on the ground. Wait around until âall the camels finish drinkingâ. To be sure, yes, make the love plunge-most of us do.You can fall âINâ love, sure. But donât think it endsâand donât let it end there. If you want to experience true loving in any relationship, donât just rely on the âI willâ-wait for the âI DOâ.
With Blessings for a LOVELY Shabbos, Shabbat Shalom!
Shalom Rubanowitz